If You’re Rich, You Should Absolutely Give Trick-or-Treaters Full-Sized Snickers

Halloween is around the corner, which means it’s once again time for everyone’s insufferable candy opinions. Usually those come in the form of debating the enjoyability of candy corn, or reminding everyone that, no, nobody is wasting their weed-laced chocolates or gummies on your children. But the conversation has escalated in the Rancho Cucamonga Neighborhood Watch regarding what candies are acceptable to give out to trick-or-treaters.

The post is being circulated by the Twitter account Best of Nextdoor, though it’s unclear when it was first posted. Thankfully, its contents are timeless. “Over the last three Halloweens, I’ve noticed candy stock has become more and more diluted with cheap candy,” the neighbor writes. “Dum Dums, Smarties, and Jolly Ranchers may be suitable for Ontario, Fontana and even Montclair, but not here in Rancho Cucamonga. We are an affluent neighborhood and this status should be reflected in our candy provisions for Halloween.” They suggest residents give out full size — or even king sized — candy bars, and god have mercy on anyone who gives out pennies. Quarters, at least!

Honestly, this anonymous busybody is right. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Rancho Cucamonga, California, has a median household income of $ 83,736, about $ 25,000 more than the national average (as represented by the folks in Dum Dum-plagued Ontario). They should absolutely be redistributing that wealth, and in lieu of doing it through higher taxes to provide things like universal health care, they can do it through candy. Can you imagine the insult of showing up to a mansion only to pick from circus peanuts and those cowtail caramels?

Driving to trick-or-treat in other neighborhoods is increasingly common, as is rich people getting pissed off when poor kids who don’t live in their part of time show up asking for candy. But it’s time to put the trick back into trick-or-treat. Egg everyone in Silicon Valley if they don’t give you full bars of Mast chocolate. Demand imported Japanese Kit Kats. Don’t want to give away thousands of dollars in candy? TOO BAD. This is the Halloween tax and you, fancy person of Rancho Cucamonga, must pay it!

The person who posted to this Facebook group is probably just a citizen who wants to keep up appearances in a wealthy town. Or they might be a communist hero. If we share one value on Halloween, it should be from each according to his ability, to each according to his desire for full Reese’s cups. We have nothing to lose but our Smarties.

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Eater – All

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